Both sides

Both sides

There's a smile. 

I'm still not in that "at peace" stage i wanna be. Come to think of it.. are humans able to ever be completely at peace? I mean, completely and all the time? One of these days when i fulfill my travel dreams, i will witness for myself those buddhist monks that achieved that. Found that inner peace, and that mind over body. 

I know the theory. But practicing is so damn hard. I want to not care about how i look, about the lines, or the body changes over time. Sometimes i look at pictures (or that quick glimpse at the mirror in the morning) and don't recognize myself. In my head i'm that 22 year girl that naively thought she would always look like that. But.. in the space of 2 years, time got to me. The wrinkles show the sleepless nights nursing and caring for babies and worrying (because yes, that comes attached with motherhood), they also show the heartbreaks that so usefully taught me what i know and who i am now, they show the courage it takes building a business from scratch and on my own. The belly show two pregnancies, the veins and lines on my hands show how much i put them through with art, work, cleaning, playing. By the way, when they say that age shows first in the hands and neck? It's true!! 

I am thankful for all of that. But at the glimpse of the mirror all i see is what i don't like. Yesterday i read this sentence: You should not hate your body or love it either. You should accept it. Period. Why humans have such a hard time accepting what they can not control? Humans are weird. 

Humans are also made to constantly be searching for something. That i believe even the buddhist monk do. They search for that nirvana and for achieving that perfect practice of meditation. We are all searching for something. And it's very tiring. Because we will never stop. Once we got what we were looking for another goal comes ahead. It's life being beautifully hard. 

I am constantly searching for the light. 

Yesterday this song was what calmed my restless heart, i listened to it over and over. I never payed much attention to the lyrics but.. can you name that song

"I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all"

"I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all"

That's what time and age brings you. Enough deepth to see from all sides. Change your perception. Changes your actions.