As i sit here in this so familiar place, i can see (and smell) the lemon tree. I watch the sun touching the lemons making them even more yellow. I savor my favorite sound lately - the wind dancing with the leafs.
Here i have no internet, so nowhere to turn to, to distract me from my anxiety. I am forced to face it. I think about how social media has influenced me. Or better said, the good use i make of social media. I use it to be inspired. And show (the best) a part of me. I admit i only show the beauty because that's what makes us feel good. And i like to see the best part of others too. That doesn't mean i don't acknowledge the fact that life is not always beautiful. And when people i admire show their vulnerability, their pain and the ugly.. that's even more beautiful to me.
I've been fascinated following along these two climbers that are trying to climb the summit of Mount Everest for the second time without oxygen. Have you seen it? You can follow them on Snapchat #everestnofilter. Or here: Cory Richards. I live enchanted with these others lives that deep inside of me i would love to experience. I dream with these adventures since i was a little girl. Life took me to another direction. This photographer, Cory has a video (link in his profile) of a speech he made that it's well worth to watch. In it he makes the analogy that life is just like climbing a mountain. With all the difficulties and rewards. And sure is. And when anxiety hits me this hard i sure do feel i am doing it without oxygen. It's just as hard and uncomfortable as they describe.
We all have our mountains to climb. And this chain of thoughts took me to another account that inspires me. Ruthie Lindsey. I'm sure you follow her too. She had hard events in her life and lives with chronicle pain. The way she chose and chooses everyday to live and see life is, to say the least, so inspiring. Go see her video too. I cried so hard when i watched it because it caught me in this dark moment where her words made so much sense to me. This is a proof that we are not alone. When we can relate to another's pain even if we never met. We all have our chronicle pains even if some may not be physical, they are equally real. We all have broken pieces. And i am broken. And that's ok.
I took me years to learn to live with my brokenness. And to find it beautiful. It made me see so many things. It made me see my strength that maybe, no, that surely otherwise i would have never seen it.
And here under my grandma's lemon tree, all i can see are my losses and my pain. And i wonder how can one be so happy and carry so much pain inside at the same time. And that is a choice you make. Live with the broken part of you. As Ruthie says life IS so worth living and so beautiful and so rich. I feel it everyday. And i am thankful for it everyday.
To see behind halls and to feel that is the purpose of life.
Here under my lemon tree, in this so familiar place, i miss the ones i lost. And that's life. And that's ok. I get up, i carry my pain and my broken parts with me, and go so, so happily play with my kids.
You can do it too.
Text written under a lemon tree with attempts of deep breaths and a fast beating heart from the anxiety and to this song that may or may not have caused some tears.